When a friend complained that all the online dating ads guys put up were pictures of hicks grabbing their groins and posing next to their trucks, I understood that to get dates on Craigslist most regularly, I simply had to be the most crotch-grabbing and truck-next-to-standing hick I could be.
One of the hopefuls who emailed me was Heather:
First off let me say that baby me and my three to four teeth are gonna tear your ass up. I been drinkin natty lite since I was 9. Been fishin since I was old enough for my daddy to undressify me. I got 5 tattoos of the rebel flag and one what has an eagle on it. I love Molly Hatchet and I’m a god fearin christian woman and if you don’t love jesus and talk american GET THE HELL OUTTA MY COUNTRY.
Put that in yer eyeballs.
Dear god fearin christian woman,
im writin this slowly so you can read the words more easily my ass hide is so thick from my nasty lawn chair in my truck that y’all need more than just three to four teeth to start diggin into it and i believe i just caught you lying through your tooth but no big deal cause fishin is a soothin activity that brings together people from all ways of thinkin and maybe your daddy can undressify both of us so we can go fishin some day and we can look at our tattoos of rebel flags, eagles, and illegible fonts then i have a washin machine at my trailer where i can start a fire again to cook the fish to have good eatin
10-4 baby i put the pedal to the metal
My sweet baby jesus…I ain’t yet met a man with his own washin machine what he cooks out of. And yer own trailer…me and mine been livin out the back of my bronco…the economics is hard. I got 5 kids, a red headed kid and 6 dogs, 2 cats and my meemaw livin in there. Yer one fine ass man with your beer drinkin and crotch grabifyin. Baby you tell me your name and i’m gonna have it emblazoned on my left breast with a picture of betty bop gettin sexy on a lawn mower.
Roger that big daddy. Keep on truckin my way.
Yeeeeehaww with just five kids and one redhead kid i bet you sure is still pretty i just might take you down to my better mechanical washin tub that burns as sure as a hatchet wielding rhinoceros but sometimes you hear them bobcats fightin at night makin noise like they is about to knock over the trailers upriver one time they scratched my truck you want my name emblazoned on your left breast i hope it doesnt do anything bad as i am unsure of the meaning but i can tell you my name is Radomir which is a hot diggity down to earth amrican name so amrican that if you tattoo it in black it will still be red white and blue
got a wheel on that there bronco?
Radomir is you sure you ain’t some kinda frechie or one of them goddamned communists. What god fearin american doesn’t have a name like Burl or Jimmy Dean or Jimmy Ray? Boy howdy you know I’m prettier than a prize winnin sow at the county fair. Almost as round too. Today my hair looks like a stump full of grand daddy long legs but that aint neither here nor there. I’d get spruced up real good for you if’n yous a real merican.
Wheels, hell no why woulds I need em? Lost my drivers license that time I was on cops. I was so drunk I let the redheaded one drive…i mean shit he’s like 8 and then I punched that pig officer in his face until they tased me. YEEEEEEHAAAAAAAWW
Radomir = Randy Adam David Oscar Marty Irving Ray
i was named after all the possible daddies she was beyond kinda drunk that night at the sippy hole but you sound like you might have already guessed this and was just kiddin i hope so because i was so confused that my head started itchin so i thought about beer and guns and im better though i am pretty sure that it adversely affected my writin but yeah im good now
do you need a license to drive hell i been drivin my truck real fast for years and it helps calm the nerves if i drink a lot before i get behind that wheel sometimes i mix up lanes but i have never missed a nascar race id take you to one of them races them is good for gettin more drunk to make sure youre at a proper level of intoxication before the race starts
That’s all she wrote. But the ad is still awesome. I regularly repost it, though every time I do it gets flagged and taken down.